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10 otázek, které Googlí každá těhotná žena ve třetím trimestru

Těhotenství

Zdá se, že těhotenství prožívá každá budoucí maminka jinak. Některé těhotné ženy jej milují a září jako tlumená nástěnná svítidla v útulné italské restauraci. Jiným ženám připadá jejich těhotenství asi tak příjemné jako spořádat celou italskou restauraci, cihlu po cihle, včetně toalet.

Rozdíly mezi mým prvním a druhým těhotenstvím byly ohromující. I tak jsem se po dosažení 37. týdne gravidity, což je podle Světové zdravotnické organizace těhotenství v plánovaném termínu, ocitla ponořená v děsivé známých vodách. Vodách, které mi připomínají, že opět musím na toaletu. Vodách, kvůli nimž přemýšlím, kdy moje vlastní voda praskne. Vodách, které víří otázkami, na něž dovede odpovědět pouze můj nejmilejší strýček: Google.

Abych vám ušetřila čas, který byste zabila Googlováním stejných nejčastějších dotazů těhotných žen ve třetím trimestru, poskytnu vám na ně odpovědi, podložené vědeckými poznatky a lékařskými důkazy.

1. Budu vědět, kdy mi odejde hlenová zátka?

No uvidíme ...
Představte si, jak usednete toaletu a po dokončení „výkonu“  objevíte v míse narozeninový dort s ovocem zalitým želé. Pokud víte, že by to neupoutalo vaši pozornost, pak vám si dovoluji odhadovat, že o odchodu vaší hlenové zátky nebudete mít potuchy.

2. Budu navždy těhotná?

Ano. Einstein o tom vymyslel relativně neznámou teorii zvanou „Einsteinova teorie relativity ryzího těhotenství“ (Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity In Regards To Being Hella Pregnant). Laicky řečeno, spočívá v tom, že čím jste méně šťastná, tím pomaleji plyne čas.
V 37. týdnu těhotenství se člověk může cítit tak mizerně, že se čas takřka skutečně zastaví. Nebo minimálně by ručička hodin prohrála závod se šnekem. Sekundy trvají hodiny, hodiny dny, dny celý pozemský život, přičemž se všichni ptají, jestli je už miminko na světě. Také raději neustále máte pusu zacpanou jídlem, abyste nemohla vykřiknout: „Vy ho tady snad někde vidíte?“

3. Kolik měsíců těhotenství je 37 týdnů?

U průměrné těhotné ženy je to 52 a čtvrt let. (Viz výše.)
Pakliže je vám nad čtyřicet, pravděpodobně budete přenášet dítě do dalšího života.

4. Proč je mi takové horko?

K uvaření člověka je zjevně potřeba dosáhnout takové vnitřní teploty, která by dovedla roztavit Terminátora, což je podle mého strýčka (Googla) přibližně 1535 stupňů Celsia. Další skvělá zpráva: stav se nezmění ani po porodu.
Není tu nic k vidění. Jen já, jak se rozpouštím skrz podlahu mého domu, zatímco trpělivě čekám na narozeni mého syna.

5. Jaké jsou příznaky přicházejícího porodu?

Bolest. Mnoho bolesti v podobě pravidelně přicházejících kontrakcí. Stejně tak ta část těla, která vám nepatří a visí z vás, může být indikátorem, toho, že dítě klepe na dveře… tedy na vagínu. Vše ostatní, co najdete na internetu, je nesmysl.

6. Budu vědět, až mi praskne voda?

Zvedněte židli nad hlavu. Nalijte si do rozkroku litr vody o teplotě 98,5 stupňů Celsia. Zeptejte se sebe samé, jestli se necítíte divně.
U některých žen se tento fyziologický jev projevuje spíše pramínkem než „vodopádem“. Pro simulaci takových podmínek si oblékněte suché kalhoty a do rozkroku nechte stékat ten stejný litr. Současně s tím choďte dokola. Připadáte si ve vašich kalhotách zcela normálně?

7. Mohu vyvolat porod?

Ne, ale můžete vyvolat průjem a 20 minut si třít bradavky. Jestli vás to bude bavit, znamená to, že dítě je připravené na odchod.

8. Bude porod bolet?

Vůbec. Stejně jako scéna ve filmu Revenant, kde je Leo napaden medvědem, ženy rády pro zábavu předstírají, že porod bolí. Fakt se všichni rodičky vnitřně smějí. Porod je totiž cítit podobně, jako když vás krmí cheesecakem a zároveň masírují nohy.
„Tenhle cheesecake mě rozechvěl radostí.“ – Všechny ženy světa.

9. Proč dítě ještě není světě?

Dítě tu ještě není, protože ještě není připravené.

10. Vztahuje se moje pojištění na vasektomii?

Pouhopouhý hovor s poskytovatelem pojištění by to měl rychle vyjasnit.
 

Diskuze k článku

Daniela (neověřeno) | Pá 04.03.2022 19:44

Chtěla bych potkat člověka co tento článek psal, opravdu už tam nešlo zapojit více sarkasmu a naprosto nesmyslných vět? Nechápu proč takový článek, když je beztak k ničemu 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Marie (neověřeno) | So 01.10.2022 10:59

Jsem hodně sarkastickej člověk s hodně velkým smyslem pro humor. Ale tento článek je jeden velký bullshit, nezasmála jsem se ani jednou, je to fakt trapný.

Pavlína (neověřeno) | Pá 24.02.2023 18:04

Protože to psal chlap, který v životě rodit nebude. Tenhle článek by měli smazat. Hodně štěstí ty narozeninový dorte.

Eva (neověřeno) | Út 30.05.2023 19:31

Já tyhle otázky nikdy negooglila ale ten sarkasmus si myslím že není na místě ,mnoho těhotných to může urazit.

Markéta (neověřeno) | Pá 02.06.2023 09:53

Chtěla bych pána vidět, při bolestech u porodu, jak moc by mu to přišlo jakože jí cheesecake a u toho mu masírují nohy! Nevydržel by ani minutu! Vážně ubotý a trapný článek. Nějakého šovinistického chudáka! 😏

Nerika (neověřeno) | Út 06.06.2023 14:02

To vazne?!?Za takyto clanok by som sa hambila.

Agi (neověřeno) | St 09.08.2023 01:16

Moc casto se nepozatavuji nad tim dko a proc napsal nejaky clanek, bud si u tiho jeco vezmu nebo si reknu blbost a zaviram stranku. Ale presne po precetni jsem vedela, ze to napsal chlap a presvedcila se, ze je to tak. A ani jednou jsem se nezasmala. Ne nezasmala ani koutek u ust mi necuknul. Vele trapnost.

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FrbetAperm (neověřeno) | Ne 10.03.2024 04:34

nothing special

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Ne 10.03.2024 10:34

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LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Ne 10.03.2024 17:11

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https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Po 11.03.2024 06:49

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Po 11.03.2024 13:35

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Po 11.03.2024 20:46

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Út 12.03.2024 09:54

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Út 12.03.2024 19:44

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | St 13.03.2024 02:06

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | St 13.03.2024 07:26

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | St 13.03.2024 14:41

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | St 13.03.2024 22:02

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Čt 14.03.2024 03:29

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

LamaElucK (neověřeno) | Čt 14.03.2024 10:03

I want to show you one exclusive program called (BTC PROFIT SEARCH AND MINING PHRASES), which can make you a rich man!

This program searches for Bitcoin wallets with a balance, and tries to find a secret phrase for them to get full access to the lost wallet!

Run the program and wait, and in order to increase your chances, install the program on all computers available to you, at work, with your friends, with your relatives, you can also ask your classmates to use the program, so your chances will increase tenfold!
Remember the more computers you use, the higher your chances of getting the treasure!

DOWNLOAD FOR FREE

Telegram:
https://t.me/btc_profit_search

Sownasq (neověřeno) | Čt 14.03.2024 15:23

Круто веб-сайт у вас есть иду сюда. Посетите также мою страничку

взгляните также мою страничку и дайте ей оценку

https://www.deadbeathomeowner.com/community/profile/lesabarca561356/ статуя на буда тайланд
https://hrd.yu.ac.kr/system/board.php?bo_table=free&wr_id=52594 екскурзия до тайланд виза
https://www.sigmachiiu.com/forums/users/noellasummerfiel/ евтини полети софия краби
http://danikaryaku.php.xdomain.jp/danikaryakuwiki/index.php?title=A_New… времето в краби февруари
https://sharichaves375.bravesites.com/entries/general/%d0%9e%d1%82%d0%b…- патая тайланд парк хотел москва
https://wolfgangrobillar.varyblog.com/%d0%bf%d1%8a%d1%82%d0%b5%d1%88%d0… златния буда в патая
https://asteroidsathome.net/boinc/view_profile.php?userid=655412 остров пукет растителност
https://papushe.com/%d0%bf%d1%8a%d1%82%d0%b5%d0%b2%d0%be%d0%b4%d0%b8%d1… карон бийч пукет

=pat=

Sownnra (neověřeno) | Čt 14.03.2024 15:35

Я люблю этот веб-сайт - он такой полезный и полезный. Посетите также мою страничку

взгляните и мою страничку и дайте ей оценку

http://suiwifi.vouvstudio.com/bbs/board.php?bo_table=free&wr_id=1107801 тайланд леонардо ди каприо
http://nysaaesports.com/%d0%b5%d0%ba%d1%81%d0%ba%d1%83%d1%80%d0%b7%d0%b… тайланд местно време
https://www.kino-ussr.ru/user/EnriquetaBrodney/ летище краби
https://zenwriting.net/f6ciq10cxw ограничен достъп до краби
https://claudemeredith75843.bloggersdelight.dk/2024/02/09/%d0%b2%d0%b4%… софия патая
https://anotepad.com/note/read/9a3hmxgp пътуване патая
https://academy.theunemployedceo.org/forums/users/audreamcculloch/ тайланд пукет време
http://mosca.asia/board_gCqZ83/2506343 пукет тайланд

=pat=

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